Hippy Snotter and the chamber of secrets
by lozza1989
Summary: Hippy is back in his second year at Bogwarts where an evil plot is taking place.This is a parody of the second Harry Potter movie. NO FLAMES,NO FLAMES,I MEAN IT, NO FLAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
1. Chapter 1

Tinky Winky's warning

"DO NOT INSULT DASTARDLY DIGGINS YOU SHITBAG BOY FROM HELL" bellowed Vincy Wincy to his nephew Hippy snotter. Apparantly, Hippy was insulting Dastardly Diggins at the breakfast table that morning and Vincy Wincy had caught him at it.

"Well maybe if he was more polite then I wouldn't have called him an unpolite orge" sneered Hippy.Vincy Wincy roared and backed him agaisnt the wall.

"Careful there old man, I deafeated an extremely powerful wizard at the end of the year and if your are not careful then I could do the same to you too" he sneered again. Vincy Vincy roared again just as Lesbianpolly entered carrying a tray of chocolate Muffins.

"Realise the boy Vincy Wincy" she ordered, placing the Muffins on the table. Dastardly Diggins ate them all and he was sick all Hippy's shoes.

"Nice one son" said Vincy Wincy,patting his very heavy weight son on the back. Hippy couldn't stand another moment with them so he went to his bedroom. This time Hippy had a proper bedroom, not the bathroom because the Dunglyness discovered that they had a spare room that had never been discovered until Hippy left to go to Bogwarts. When he came home they said he could sleep in there now. It was very small.

When Hippy opened the door to his new bedroom, he saw a teletubbie bouncing on his bed. It was the purple one, Tinky winky.

"Eh-oh" said Tinky Winky happily.Hippy shut the door and couldn't stop staring at the Teletubbie.

"What the fuck?" he muttered. Tinky Winky bounced of the bed and waddled to Hippy.

"Tinky Winky bring warning to Boy, boy must no go back to school. Boy will be in Danger if he go back to school" said Tinky Winky in a childish way.

"Whatever" said Hippy pushing Tinky Winky out of the window. A Bomb fell from the sky and landed on Tinky Winky. When the Dunglyness saw the broken window, they decided to punish Hippy by locking him in his bedroom for the rest of his life.

"You are not going back to school ever again boy, you will be staying in your room until you turn into a pile of bones" sneered Vincy Wincy evily. That Night, Hippy had a very strange dream.

He was in Bogwarts when all of a sudden, the Dunglyness appeared and dragged him back to their house and locked him in a cage. He stood there watching everybody banging on his bars.

"Go away" he muttered in his sleep. A rattling could be heard.

"I said go away, I'm trying to sleep you aresholes" he grumbled angrily. He woke up and looked at the window. He saw a face, a familiar face.Don Sneasley was outside his bedroom window with his brothers Tweedledumb and Tweedledee.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----

**Well that's the first chapter of my second Hippy snotter story. I'm going to try and make it really funny this time. If you like it so far then leave a review but if you don't then you don't have to leave one. No flames though if there is going to be any reviews of anykind. Anyway, more chapters will be one the way as soon as possible. Hope you enjoy it so far.**


	2. The willow

The willow

"Don, what the heck are you doing here? " Hippy hissed .

"We've come to rescue you, you idiot" said Don feeling insulted. The twins nodded in agreement. Hippy looked again and saw that they were driving in a second hand sports car.

"Dad nicked it from a muggle and he bewitched it to make it fly" Don explained looking smug. The twins put a rope on the bars and they reved up the car to pull it off. When the bars were pulled of they made a huge bang, waking up the dunglyness.

"Quick, Hippy get out of here" screamed Don. His bedroom door burst open and Vincy Wincy came pelting towards Hippy like an angry bull.

"Release me you bastard" Hippy screamed.

"Put your foot down Tweedledum" Yelled Don. Tweedledum slammed his foot down onto the brake and the car sped off, causing Vincy Wincy to fall into the Piranha filled pond that they had in their back garden. Vincy Wincy screamed like a little girl and jumped out of the pond, as the Piranhas were attempting to eat him alive.He looked angrily and the sports car and yelled.

"GO ON THEN YOU FREAK, SEE IF WE CARE". Meanwhile back in the flying sports car, Hippy and the Sneasley brothers were all singing.

"Don't ya wish your boyfriend was hot like me, don't you wish your boyfriend was a freak like me don't cha, don't cha" they all sang happily. Tweedledee was jumping up and down in his seat with a bottle of petrol that was in the back seat. The petrol accidently came flying out of the bottle and landed in Don's hair.

"Hey watch it, you know how flamable my hair is" he retorted angrilly.Without warning his hair burst into flames.

"Arrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" he screamed. Hippy got a bucket of water which appeared out of nowhere and chucked it on Don making the fire go out. Luckily his hair was stillt here.

"Thanks mate" he sighed. He grabbed another bucket of water that had appeared out of nowhere and chucked it allover the twins. Soon more buckets came appearing for now reason. The four boys all had a hilarious water fight until the sports came to a land outside Don's house.

"Well here we are" Said Don pressing a button. The four boys all put on parachute packs and then they shot up into the air. When they were landing, they all pressed the parachute button on their parachute packs and they floated onto the ground.

"I knew these parachute packs will come in handy" said Don, taking off his parachute pack and tossing it back into the car. Hippy and the twins did the same and then they all walked to a very strange looking house which looked like a very large tree stump.

"Welcome to my home, The Willow" said Don. Hippy looked very amazed but that wasn't all. Inside that tree stump was a very cosy lookingh ome. As soon as they entered, a small woman came thundering down the stairs.

"WERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU NAUGHTY BOYS?. BEND OVER" she screeched. Don, the Twins and Hippy all bent over.

"You don't have to bend over dear" said the woman to Hippy. He sighed with relief and stood back up. However Don and the Twins remained in the same posistion as their Mother got out a flyswat and started hitting them one by one with it on their bottoms.

"BEDS EMPTY, NO NOTE, CAR GONE, YOU COULD HAVE DIED OR BEEN SEEN" she bellowed as she spanked them. She spanked them for half an hour until their bums were sore.

"NOW SIT AT THE TABLE AND EAT YOUR BREAKFAST " she shouted just as a small girl with shoulder lengh red hair and a baseball cap perched on her head came running into the kitchen still in her pjamaes. Hippy recognised her as the girl who was dragged into a white van the day he went to Bogwarts for the first time. She seemed alot more calmer now and she wasn't doing any mental behaviour of any kind.

"Mum, I can't find my t-shirt" she said.

"Look in the wash basket Winny" said Mrs Sneasley. Winny saw Hippy and went bright red.

"I think I'll get my t-shirt right now" and she scarpered off.Hippy looked at Don with confusion.

"I thought your sister's name was Whiney" he whispered.

"Well , when she got realised from the mental asylum last month, she wanted to change her name to Winny because she said she didn't like the name Whiney anymore so now we call her Winny" Don explained.

Soon the whole Sneasley family were all sat at the breakfast table. Winny kept blushing everytime Hippy looked at her or talked to her.

"So, what's with the cap then Winny?" he asked her.

"I'm a Tomboy and this is what all Tomboy's where" she said going red. Mr Sneasley leant over and whispered in Hippy's ear.

"It's because she's grown up with brothers and no sisters. She's our only daughter and she's our little angel". Later that day, Hippy found himself watching Winny play a game of football with the boys except for the oldest boy Pissy who was reading a book.

"Wanna play Hippy?" she asked in a friendly way. Hippy smiled and played football all day long because he enjoyed it.


	3. longbong ally

Longbong ally

The next day, Hippy and the Sneasley kids all got there Bogwarts letters.

"I don't know how we can afford all this?" sighed Mrs Sneasley "we need to get Winny her school stuff this year". Hippy turned to Winny who was rummaging the draw for a dead rat to disect. "So, you're starting Bogwarts this year then?" Hippy asked. "Uh huh" Winny replied whilst still rummaging through the draw. When she finally found a dead rat, she took it to her room, disected it and then fed it to her pet cat Mr Twinkles.

"Don't forget to eat it all up Mr Twinkles" she cooed whilst stroking the cat. Pissy slapped Winny and dragged her to the outhouse. Hippy shuddered as Mr Twinkles devoured the remains of the disected rat.

"She does this sometimes, hunts around the house for dead mice or rats to disect and then feeds them to the cat" explained Don.

"Well why not let the cat eat the whole thing?" Hippy asked as he watched Mr Twinkles lick the remains from his bowl. "Because she fears that he'll choke".

The Next day, the family and Hippy all got up early because they were going to Drugness ally to collect the school supplies. Winny was making a fuss when she couldn't find her cap.

"It's here" retorted Pissy grabbing the cap from the cauldron and slapping it on Winny's head. "Thankyou" she replied in a sweet voice. After breakfast, the whole lot of them were queing up outside the outhouse.

"So, how come were all queing up outside the outhouse then?" Hippy wondered. "We travel to Druggness ally by toilet" exlained Pissy. Hippy looked confused and farted at the same time.

"How does that work?" he asked when the smell took effect. "We each gag stand on the toilet and we press a button stating the location we want to gag go" Pissy gagged as the smell from Hippy's fart was worsening.

"Brill" Replied Hippy simply, unaware to the fact that he had just farted. Mrs Sneasley suggested that Don should go first so that Hippy could see how it worked. Don walked into the outhouse, he stood up on the toilet and pressed a button which read **DRUGNESS ALLY** then he was flushed feet first into the loo.

"Alright Hippy dear, you next" said Mrs Sneasley giving Hippy a shove into the Outhouse. He stood on the toilet and was about to press the button when a sudden gust of wind blew the outhouse door shut and engulfing him in total darkness. "Oh for Fucksake" muttered Hippy as he attempted to find the right button. Giving up, he just pressed a button randomly and he plummeted feet first into the toilet. He was plummeting through a long pipe which had an awful stench of piss and shit. Hippy placed his hands behind his head and attempted to relax for the journey, however the began to move faster and he screamed like a little girl until he came to whatever destination he had chosen.

Hippy coughed and spluttered as he opened the door to the cubicle hed had just entered. He was standing in the middle of a dirty and smelly public toilet which remained unfamiliar to him. Wherever he was, he wasn't in Drugness ally. Suddenly the door creaked and Hippy went back into the cubicle he had just came out of and shut the door leaving a small crack to peer through. A hunchback old man with messy, greasy gray hair, a broken nose and a hooked hand walked in and entered the toilet next to wear Hippy was hiding. As the creepy old man began his buisness, Hippy found the oppertunity to sneak out. Whilst trying to run to the door, Hippy accidently knocked over a bin.

"Who's there?" wheezed the man. "Meow" replied Hippy so he wouldn't reveal himself. "Get outta it pussy " wheezed the man. Hippy opened the door and found himself in a shop which was selling shrunken heads, battered fingers and many grotesque things.

"I am definatly not in Drugness Ally" Hippy said. Suddenly he heard the toilet flush and scarpered out of the shop just as the Hunchback came wheezing in, had a Heart attack and died.

Hippy looked around and he could now tell that he was definatly not in Drugness ally. This place was more darker and people were smoking what looked liker bongs. Nervous, Hippy looked up at a sigh which read **LONGBONG ALLY**. Gulping, Hippy attempted to run when a large shadowed figure grabbed him and carried him off away from the bongheads.


	4. Grillfried lockhead

Grillfried Lockhead

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME" Hippy bellowed when the Mysterious figure carried him off.

"Calm down now, I'm just saving you from the bongheads" said a familiar voice. Hippy looked up and saw non other than Ribena Hirbird. "Oh hi Hirbird, what's wrong with Longbong ally?" Hippy asked as they entered Drugness ally and Hirbird finally let go of Hippy.

"It's a dodgy place, Hippy. Don't wanna see you hanging around there. Full of Bongsmokers and prostitutes that place is". Hippy shuddered all over. They made their way to a book shop where a girl with frizzy hair came flouncing out. It was Hippy's other friend, Hermoninny greengarage.

"Hi Hippy" she screamed, running up to him and giving him a hug.

"Woah, steady their Hermoninny" Hippy replied. Hermoninny let go of him and smiled. "So, you've come with the Sneasleys then?" she asked. Hippy looked confused and asked how did she know.

"They've been worried about you silly" she smiled, taking him by the hand and into the book shop. The Sneasleys were in there and Mrs Sneasley was making a big fuss over him.

"Oh we've been so worried about you Hippy" she cooed. The Twins snickered and Winny gave them the "stop it or i'll beat you up" look.

"There's this guy coming out in a minute to sign his newest book" Don explained "and Mum has a crush on him". Mrs Sneasley whacked Don round the head with a fan and said that she didn't. "She does really" Don whispered to Hippy and rubbing his head.

"He's here" yelled a random girl in the crowd. The Crowd watched as a tall man with blonde locks, wearing a green hawaiin shirt and bright pink trousers came out from behind the storeroom.

"Hello everybody" he called in a stupid voice "My name is Grillfried lockhead". Don snickered and Winny punched him in the ribs. Mrs Sneasley was staring dreamily at him. A stumpy little man pushed his way through the crowd and began taking photos whilst Lockhead did some sexy poses until he spotted Hippy amongst the crowd.

"Oh my sweet custard and roses it's Hippy Snotter". The Photoman grabbed Hippy by the wrist and dragged him to Lockhead. "Nice big Smile Hippy, we are going to be on the front page" he said cheerily, putting his arm around the poor lad. "You need Tic-tacs man" Hippy stated. "Yeah yeah whatever. I am having a very lovely day, ladies and Gentlemen. As I was about to sigh your books I came across this boy, Hippy Snotter". Hippy rolled his eyes and tried to escape but Lockhead pulled him closer "and He will be leaving with a free collection off all my books" and he dumped, one thousand books on Hippy and ushered him away. "Thanks loser" Hippy muttered as he decended back to the Sneasleys. "I'll take them for you" Mrs Sneasley stated grabbing the Books off Hippy and stuffing them somewhere (I wouldn't like to know where).

"Now wait outside" she ordered. Hippy,Don, Pissy,the twins and Winny all headed to the entrance but were confronted by Hippy's rival, Drunger Miffy.

"Oooooh the famous Hippy Snotter, can't go to a book shop without making a front page" he sneered. Winy walked up to Miffy and slapped him. "Leave him alone you bastard" she hissed.

"Why you little..." Miffy growled, reaching for her but was stopped by a tall man who looked similiar to Miffy himself. This was his father, Lucio Miffy.

"Don't Miffy, she isn't worth it" he ordered. Winny looked scared and backed away.Lucio pulled Hippy towards him and admired his scar. "This is a legend" he spoke in a creepy voice. "Oh I didn't know that" Hippy stated sarcasticly. Lucio ignored him and continued to admire his scar. "As is the wizard who gave it to you" he leered again.

"Well Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh" Hippy replied. Lucio slapped him and then attempted to kidnap Winny but Mr Sneasley appeared and saw all the comotion.

"Help me Daddy, he's trying to kidnap me" Winny screamed. Roaring like a Lion, Mr Sneasley lunched at Lucio. Winny's cauldron and Winny herself went flying but Lockhead managed to catch her.

"that was quite a ride you hide there isn't it little girl?" he stated, putting her down. Winny picked up her cauldron and all her stuff and rejoined her siblings. Mr Sneasley and Lucio were in a furious battle.

"Don't you ever try to kidnap any of my kids again" he sneered,sending Lucio flying into a pile of books. Snarling, he picked up a book and dumped it into Winny's cauldron.

"You forgot to pick this one up you little brat" he spat. "But this isn't mine" Winny said nervosuly. "JUST TAKE IT" Lucio yelled making Winny faint. Mr Sneasley punched Lucio on the nose and the whole book shop scapered.


	5. flying to bogwarts

flying to bogwarts

Hippy spent the rest of his Holidays with the Sneasleys but with the end of the Holidays drawing near, live was getting pretty hectic at the Sneasley household.

"I swear if Tweedledumb and Tweedledee set of rocket launchers in my bedroom, I will kill them" Don threatened after the twins set of a dozen rocket launchers in his bedroom.

"I do not want violence in this house youngman" Mrs Sneasley said sternly and pointing a wooden spoon at him. Hippy tried his best not to snigger when one of the twins hit Pissy round the head with a plastic stick. "For god sake will you watch where you're hitting that thing" Pissy snarled before getting up and storming to his private room.

The next week was the week they were going back to Bogwarts. Mrs Sneasley was trying to get Winny to put on her new Bogwarts uniform.

"But mum, Don said that I won't have to put it on until I get to Bogwarts" she said rather annoyed. After everything was sorted, the whole family and Hippy got into the sports car.

"Can we fly it to the trainstation dad?" the twins chanted. "No, we don't want to scare the muggles so we'll be driving it to the Trainstation like normal people". So they drove not flew to the trainstation and it was a pretty long journey. Hippy,Don and Winny all played eye spy , Pissy had buried himself in a very boring book and the twins were laughing and pointing at things that looked amusing to them. After a three hour drive, Hippy and the Sneasleys all clambered out of the car and marched like penquins into the trainstation.

"Oh, bloody muggles, every year theres more and more muggles, makes me furious" Mrs Sneasley stated and gritting her teeth. Mr Sneasley patted her on the back to reassure her.

"Don't be so furious, they won't bite. Come on, last one to the platform is a three legged pumpkin". Mr sneasley had got the kids to race through the station. "Watch where you're going to rude little child" an old lady tutted after Winny acidently nearly knocked her flying. "Sorry you old bat" Winny called whilst still running along with her brothers. Soon they reached their destination and did what they had to do last year.

"As usual, Pissy first" Mrs Sneasley called. Pissy placed his sweaty palms on the handle of his Trolley and ran through the wall. "Alright twins, you go". The twins did the same and Winny went chasing after them yelling "WAIT FOR ME". Mr and Mrs Sneasley follwed behind her leaving Hippy and Don the next ones to go through.

"Come on Don" Hippy said as he ran to the wall. "Ohno, more clowns" Don whimpered as he grabbed his trolley. The two boys ran to the wall then suddenly CCCCCCCCCCRRRASH. They had went straing into the wall, not through it.

"Ow god dammit" Hippy cursed, getting up and rubbing his backside.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU HOOLIGANS?" shouted a beetrooced faced guard who was striding towards them.

"We're drun-ow" Don stated as Hippy thumped him. "We lost control of the trolleys, there very dodgy. I suggest you should get somen ew ones or we'll report you to the goverment pal" Hippy stated placing his hands on his hips like an angry Mother. The guard shook his head and walked away mumbling about trouble causers.

"We can't through, what are we going to do?" Don asked. "let's wait by the car and we'll explain to your mum and dad what happened" Hippy suggested. Suddenly, a look of mischief glimmmered in Don's eyes. "I know, we'll fly the car to Bogwarts, it can't hurt" and he grabbed Hippy by the wrist and they legged it through the station and into the car park.

"I don't know if this is such a good idea" Hippy stated but Don pushed him in. "Stop being such a coward, this is going to be cool". Hippy watched as Don pressed the fly button and soon the car floated of the ground and was now flying over london, but Don being the stupid idiot that he is forgot to make the car invisible so it attracted alot of attention from the muggles.

"Look a flying car, I want one" stated a boy about Hippy and Don's age. he was beaten up by chavs soon after.

"This is the life for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee, flying above the world oh yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh" the boys sang as they flew in the skies. "Ahh no Clowns, no stupid spazzy clowns to make me hide under seats" Don said as he relaxed in his seat and drank some soda. Hippy looked out of the window and saw the colourful, clowny Bogwarts train traveling underneath them. "Close your eyes Don" Hippy ordered, still looking at the clown train.

"Why?" Don asked. "Just do it and don't open them until I tell you".


	6. The Physco tree

The physco tree

"Can I take my hands away from my eyes yet?" Don asked. "No you prick, keep them shielded" Hippy barked. Don sighed relunctantly and kept his eyes shielded.

"How come I have to cover my bloody eyes anyway?" Don asked. "Because I don't want you fucking having a hissy fit on me" Hippy snapped. "Oooooooooh, sorry" Don replied in a very feminime voice. Hippy rolled his eyes and continued to follow to Bogwarts train. "Look, you can take them away once we get to Bogwarts" he infomred. Don nodded and kept his eyes shielded. Hippy's owl, Hurdy Gurdy was screeching and squeaking to get out.

"What do you want you fucking bird?" Hippy asked. Hurdy Gurdy squaked in replie. "You wanna strech your wings, oh ok then. But don't bother flying off or I'll stuff you" and he opened the cage door and Hurdy Gurdy flew beside the car. "What did that stupid owl of yours want?" Don asked. "She wanted to stretch her wings" Hippy replied.

When night had fallen, the car had finally made it to Bogwarts."Ok Don, you can remove your hands from your eyes now" hippy said. Don took his hands away from his eyes and could see Bogwarts right in front of him. "How did you manage that?" Don asked. "Well, let's just say I have a good sense of direction" Hippy informed proudly. Suddenly, the car started to go beserk and doolally.

"WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING. THE CARS GONE LOOPY" Don screamed. "I DUNNO, ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH IT'S GONNA FUCKING CRASH" Hippy screamed. Don took out his wand and started hitting the dashboard withi t whilst screaming "STOP, STOP, YOU BASTARD CAR". But the car didn't stop and Poor Don's wand broke. "IT'S GONNA HIT THAT TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"Hippy screamed like a girl. "I CAN'T CONTROL THE STUPID THING" Don bellowed. Suddenly, there was a CRASH, BANG, WALLOP. The Car had hit the tree.

"Are we still alive?" Don asked in a sqeaky voice. "Yes, I think so" Hippy replied.Suddenly the car was hit by an almighty force. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, WHAT WAS THAT?" Don shrieked. "I think it was the tree" Hippy replied in a spooky whisper. The tree hit the car again. "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE, MAKE IT STOP, MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Don cried. The tree was hitting the car at full blast. "START THE BASTARD CAR UP. HURRY" Don shrieked. Hippy put his foot down and the car shot backwards from the tree who was reaching it branges out to wallop the car one. It speeded away from the tree and angrilly shot Hippy, Don and all their luggage out onto the wet grass and the car shot off making a noise which sounded like it was saying "fuck you".

"Now what are we going to do? Dad's going to murder me" Don whined. "Never mind that now, we need to get to the sorting" Hippy protested, grabbing Don by the wrist and rushing over to the great hall window and peering in.

"Awwwwwwwwww man, they started already" Don complained. "At least we can watch the ceremony from here" Hippy protested. "But I'm starving, look at all that food" Don gawped. Hippy rolled his eyes and looked at the group of nervous first years. Winny wasn't hard to see due to the cap she wore on her head and Hippy could just make out Minny Mouse telling her to take it off. She was also talking to a boy with light brown hair and and goofy teeth.

"Hey, where's Snipely?" Don wondered. Hippy looked over to the Teacher's table and noticed that Snipely was absent. "I don't know, maybe he quit" Hippy said. "Oh maybe Bumblebore sacked him for being a stupid git" Don suggested. "Or maybe he's wondering why you two hooligans didn't arrive on the train" came a sinister voice from behind them. Hippy and Don both slowly turned around and saw Snipely stood behind them looking very evil.

"Perhaps you two arn't good enough to travel by Train so you decided to make a dramatic entrance. Well, shall we go down to my office and discuss what should be done with Hippy Snotter and his faithful sidekick". Hippy and Don both hung their heads in shame as they followed Snipely into Bogwarts. "What's he going to do to us?" Don whispered. Hippy shrugged. They had stopped outside the greathall and assumed that Snipely was going to take them in there. Instead he led them away from the great hall and down the dark, dingy dungeons.

"Get in now" Snipley barked as he opened his office door. The two boys shuddered and walked into Snipely's evil looking office. "Take a seat boys" Snipley said in a sinister tone. Hippy and Don both sat down on the moth eaten chairs and Snipley sat in the one opposite. "Now, now now. Hippy Snotter and Don Sneasley had been performing magic outside school, tut,tut,tut" Snipley said, shaking his head. "Excuse me sir, but now did you know?" hippy asked in a quiet voice.

"SILIENCE SNOTTER" Snipely barked. "YOU TWO WERE SEEN FLYING IN A RED SPORTS CAR BY OVER 23 MUGGLES. I WOULD RECOMEND THAT IF YOU TWO WHERE IN MY HOUSE THEN I WOULD SUGGEST EXCLUSION, AS IT IS. YOU TWO ARE GOING TO GO BACK HOME ON THE TRAIN TONIGHT" he barked making Don wet himself.

"I don't think so" Came an old voice. Hippy and Don jumped around and saw Bumblebore and Minnymouse stood in the door way. "But Headmaster, these boys have acted illegally and they must be punished" Snipley informed with a smug look on his face. "But it's up to Minnymouse to decided the punishment, not you Snipely" Bumblebore said sternly. "What's going to happen with us?" Don asked in a small voice. "Well, you two will recieve a detention and I'll be writing to both your parents, but if you two take another step out of line then I'll have no choice but to exspell the both of you, do I make myself clear?" Minymouse asked. Hippy and Don nodded solenmly. "Good, now the pair of you can go back to gillyward tower".

"I cannot believe that you two came by flying car, you could have been exspelled" Hermoninny said after hearing about Hippy and Don's appearance.

"Yeah well, at least we didn't" Don said smugly. Hippy grinned in a cheesy way.


	7. The new teacher and horny pixies

The new teacher and horny pixies

During breakfast the next morning, Don was attempting to sellotape his wand back together, even though it would never work again.

"It's fucking useless, it won't work ever again " he sobbed. Hippy patted him on the back and reassured that it's not the end of the world. "It feels like it for me" Don sobbed. Hippy gave him a tissue to dry his eyes when he was suddenly blinded by a flashing light. "Hiya Harry" came a squeaky vocie. Harry blinked a few times and saw in front of him, with a camera was the buck-tooth kid that was seen talking with Winny during the sorting.

"I'm Calvin Creepy and I'm your biggest fan, I'm going to be constantly following you around, taking photos and generally bugging you" he said at a rapid pace. "No you fucking won't you fucking kid" Hippy spat. "But I adore you, can I lick your shoes?" Calvin pleaded. "Look, he's not interested now push off or I'll introduce my fist to your face" Don snapped. Calvin shrugged and sauntered off. Suddenly, Don was hit on the head by a red envolope.

"Ow, goddammit" Don grunted. "Here, it's for you" Hippy stated, handing Don the envolope.

"Oh no" Don whimpered when he set his eyes on the red envolope.

"Look, Sneasley's got a Fowler" Shaggy commented. Hippy smacked him over the head with a spoon. "Open it Don or you'll be doomed" warned Shaggy, rubbing the back of his head. Hands trembling, Don slowly opened the envolope and out of it flew a holographic form of Pauline Fowler.

"DON SNEASLEY, YOU HAVE BOUGHT SHAME UPON YOUR FAMILY, STEALING THE FAMILY CAR AND ILLEGALLY FLYING IT TO SCHOOL. YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER ARE EXTREMELEY CROSS WITH YOU, NAUGHTY BOY". The Pauline Fowler hologram then took out an umbrella and began hitting Don on the head with it.

"YOU ARE A VERY NAUGHTY BOY DON SNEASLEY AND I'M DOING THIS TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER WANTED ME TOO" she screeched. After hitting him over the head about 15 times, she burst into flames and exsploded. Hermoninny looked at him disguist. "You flew a car to Bogwarts" she whispered. Don however, was sat in stunned silience and Calvin took a Photo of his shocked face. "Now that's a picture" he claimed happily before joining his fellow first years.

The first lesson for the day was Defense agaisnt the dark side of sex and they were expecting a new teacher since the previous one was now a stuffed bunny rabbit in some old hunters cabin.

"I wonder who the new teacher is?" Don whispered to Hippy. "Don't know and I don't care as long as he isn't weird" Hippy replied.After a few minutes of waiting, the new teacher finally came sauntering in. Hippy was shocked to see that it was Grillfried Lockhead.

"Helloooooooooooooooo Children" he said stupidly "I'm your new teacher for this lesson and I've got a real treat for you today". The class gave him odd glances as he broke hysterical giggles.

"I wonder what he's on" Don whispered to hippy. "Never mind what he's on, he's fucking mental" Hippy stated. The Class watched as Lockead sauntered over to a cage. "Now I must warn you that you are about to face to most dirtiest creatures that ever exsisted in our world" he spoke "and I must warn you to not beign wearing any low cut tops or such because it might set them off. Ok I'm going to reavel them, now". He drew the cloth from the cage and in it was a bunch of pixies wolf whistling at the students.

"What the fuck are they?" Don gasped. "Horny Pixies and watch your language Sneasley" Lockhead commented "these pixies are very horny and will do anything for good sex, ok let's see you try to resist them" and he opened the cage door causing all the Pixies to fly in all sorts of directions.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh, it's after me" shrieked Don who was being chased by a female pixie that was saying "kiss me hot stuff". Hermoninny screamed as a pixie climbed into her Bra, giggling.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME"Hippy bellowed as a Pixie climbed up his leg. He let out a small yelp as he climbed into his underpants.

"Come on, round them up, there just Pixies" Lockhead warned. A female blonde Pixie grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, dragged him into his office and slammed the door. A high Pitched squeal followed by an excited giggle could be heard coming from the office. Hermoninny jumped up and down, trying to get the pixie out from under her top.

"I wonder what's going on from behind there?" Don wondered as he heard yet another squeal. "I don't know and I ain't stopping to find out" Hippy stated, running out of the classroom, Don and Hermoninny following behind.


	8. The message on the wall

the message on the wall

After the first lesson was finally over, they proceeded to the grounds to practice playing Fruitich and Hippy was soon bothered by Calvin.

"Can I take a picture of you throwing that Apple at the ginger kid's head?" asked Calvin with big pleading eyes. "Fuck off Midget, and take that pathetic excuse of a camera with you" Hippy barked.

"Oh be a mate Hippy and let me take photos of you playing fruitich. I want to show my dad" the first year Gillyward pleaded. Sighing, Hippy got Calvin by the scruff of his neck and chucked him across the field and into a tree where he was knocked unconcious.

"Ok, let's get started" Hippy declared. Don threw some grapes at him and Hermoninny watched them. Pretty soon their precious game was interupted by Miffy and his thugs, Flabbe and Boyle.

"Oh looky here, Hippy and his fanclub are playing fruitich" taunted Miffy whilst his cronies sniggered behind his back. Hermoninny stood up and walked over to Miffy looking tough.

"How about you bog off before I flush your fat fucking head down the toilet" she snapped. Growling, Miffy hissed to her "nobody talks to me like that, you filthy bitchpig". Hippy gasped and Don took out his ruined wand. "Eat condoms Miffy" he spat. However the spell had rebounded onto Don instead of Miffy and he was now spewing up condoms.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" Hermoninny screeched. Calvin who had just woken up, took a photo of Don yet again, spewing up a condom. "Wow, this is classic, wait until I show my dad this" he said happily.

Hippy and Hermoninny dragged Don to Hirbird's hut so he could get the condoms up without anyone noticing.

"Get them up Don, you can spew them up in my condom box" Hirbird said, thrusting a box which had the word HIRBIRD'S CONDOMS. "So" he said to Hippy and Hermoninny "who did he try the curse on?". Hippy then told the story of how Miffy called Hermoninny a bitchpig and Don vowed to get revenge on him by putting on a curse which will make him spew up condoms and instead it rebounded onto Don.

"Don't listen to that bastard, he only thinks he's better than every one else because of who his father is. I cannot stand that family, they are such snobs" Hirbird declared.

"Hirbird, how come you have a condom box in your hut?" Hippy asked curiously. "Oh that, I'm use them for when I bring drunken chicks home from the pub" he replied, giving them a wink. They always assumed Hirbird to be a bit of a sex obsessed freak. Last year, they discovered that Hirbird had a stash of porno magazines hidden in his hut but Bumblebore found them and sold them on Ebay.

"So, you're going to use the condom's that Don's just spewed up?" Hermoninny asked, giving Hirbird a suspicious glance. "Hell yeah" Hirbird replied, grinning. Hermoninny shuddered, Hippy pulled a face and Don spewed up more condoms than before.

Later that evening, Hippy and Don were serving detention. Don was stuck with Mr Stinky the school caretaker where he made him pick the fleas out of his wife and pet cat, Mrs Stinky and Hippy was going to do Detention with Lockhead and it was pure torture for him.

"You know Hippy, I must admit that you are a natural at knitting" he said as Hippy knitted Lockhead a pair of underpants. "Proffessor?" Hippy asked curiously.

"Yes my dear boy" replied Lockhead in a stupids voice. "What happened between you and that pixie in your office this morning?" Hippy asked again.

"Oh, we had sex" replied Lockhead simply before going back to his knitting. As Hippy was about to proceed with his knitting, he began to hear an evil voice which was saying "_come to me, let me rip the shit out of you, you god damn sun of a bitches, come to me,fuckers". _Hippy looked around to see who was saying that, but he couldn't see anybody.

After two hours of knitting, Hippy made his way back up to Gillyward tower and again he heard the creepy voice.

"_Murder, kill, all those bastards must dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". _Hippy wet himself and ran down the corridor when he noticed something written on the wall.

"What the fuck?" Hippy mutered as he read the ketchup stained message on the wall which read

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS IS OPEN

FILTHY BASTARDS BEWARE

And hanging above it was a furry figure. Hippy moved closer to get a good luck at it and was soon horrified that it was Mrs Stinky the cat, all frozen and stiff.


	9. The Frozen cat

The Frozen cat

"Hippy, we've been looking all over for you". Hippy took his eyes of the stiffened form of Mrs Stinky and saw Don and Hermoninny running towards him.

"Don, you finally got away from the stinkmeister" Hippy said. Don nodded. "So, what's going on with you anyway?" the red-headed goon asked his best bud.Suddenly, Hermoninny gasped and pointed at the wall. Don looked and saw the message on the wall.

"Dude, I guess someone's been murdered and the culprits wiped his blood on the wall by writing that message so he can scare the living shit out of us. The bastard". Hippy bitch slapped him.

"It's ketchup Don you arsehole" Hippy snapped. "I knew that" Don claimed rubbing his cheek.

"Look at Mrs Stinky" Hermoninny squealed, she had discovred the frozen cat hanging on the pole.

"I know. I think Mr Stinky's going to throw a wobbly when he discovers that his wife has been taken to the taxidermists and been stuffed" Hippy protested. Suddenly, there was a rush of feet and the students where all scapering to the scene. When they all saw the message on the wall, they stopped.

"I think they've noticed" Don whispered. "Well Duh" Hermoninny replied. A flashing light clicked over the message. "Man, that will make on hell of a picture and I've Hippy Snotter in it too" came the excited Voice of Calvin Creepy. Miffy knocked him out.

"What's going on here, what's all the hoo-hoo about" came the rasping voice of Mr Stinky as he pushed his way through the crowds. As soon as he caught sight of his wife, he let out a piercing roar.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?" he demanded as the students tremebled and Miffy pissed himself. The not so clean Janitor saw Hippy and imediatly put the blame on him. "You vicious cat-killer,I'LL FUCKING KILL YA" he roared, pouncing on Hippy like an angry pitbull and clasping his dirty hands over Hippy's neck.

"I didn't touch Mrs Stinky, I didn't" Hippy gasped. "FILTHY LIAR, FILTHY LIAR, FILTHY FUCKING LIAR" Mr Stinky shouted. "Mr Stinky, stop it this instance". Bumblebore came shoving his way through the crowd of on-looking students with a fag in his hand. When he caught sight of the message and Mrs Stinky, he almost had a fatal heart attack but magically healed himself.

"All student will proceed to their common rooms this instant" he ordered before turning his attention to Mr Stinky and the now blue Hippy.

"Mrs Stinky is not dead, she is petrified. So you can stop attempting to kill Hippy because he wouldn't hurt an innocent animal". Relunctantly, Mr Stinky let go of Hippy who drew a deep breath to get his breath back. Lockhead who had appeared randomly took a look at the stiffened cat.

"Ah yes, she is most definetly petrified" he declared.

"Where did you come from?" Bumblebore asked, then taking a puff from his fag. "I appeared for rather random reasons because I'm basicly a random person, you got any more of those?". Bumblebore tossed a fag and lighter in Lockhead's direction.

"But what are you going to do about the love of my life?" Mr Stinky demanded.

"Calm down, Mr Stinky. Proffesor Jolly-green-giant has a green house full of stubborn flower babies and once they've matured, she can chop them up, boil them and feed them to Mrs Stinky so they can revive her" Bumblebore explain "and as for you three" he said, turning to Hippy, Don and Hermoninny "I suggest you go back to your common room". Hippy, Don and Hermoninny nodded and scarpered.

--

**Sory it's a bit short, I couldn't think of anything else to write. I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can. Abyway, bye for now, fellow readers and reviewers. Flamers stay away for your own good and don't dare flame coz I will know, i check my reviews everytime I get a new one and if I find that any-one has dared to flame this story, then I will have something to say about it, muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Flmaers, you have been warned!.**


End file.
